P.S. This is a persuasive speech I did for class.

As most of us are quite aware, human beings experience a phenomenon known as “the chills” when stepping into a modern van. In fact, for many of us, becoming a little “freaked out” when getting into vans, old and new alike, has been a life-long occurrence. But do you know why this happens?

I propose that the reason behind this curious anomaly is that all vans are in fact ghosts, and that you should always exercise caution when deciding to enter one.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in a van, whether it be for travel, studying, or just hanging out, that you always end up either just fine or in the most horrible situation imaginable? It’s true. I polled 17 of my friends and they all said that they had traveled without any problems in vans on numerous occasions, yet each one had a handful of dreadful stories to tell involving breakdowns, the desert, parking tickets, break-ins, vagrants, tow trucks, break-outs, and random drug stops in New Mexico.

If it is taken as fact that all ghosts are either good spirits or menacing, haunted ghouls, this would explain the seemingly polarized results of my interviews. In other words, just as all normal ghosts are either good or bad, van ghosts are no different. There is information available on the internet regarding various tests one can perform to determine whether a van is a good or a bad ghost before entering it. The simplest one of all is to park it near an old Willow tree, sit down on the grass, and see what color it turns at dusk. If the answer is between 460 and 500 millimicrons, then you’ve got a bad spirit on your hands…watch out! This information is also available at your library.

The second observation to support my theory that vans are ghosts is that kidnappers always use vans to steal children, or wealthy people. After the men throw their victims into the van, peel off, and you emerge from the bushes at the end of your driveway, you often recall that the van you’ve just seen was white, but did it ever occur to you that vans are not the only things that are white? So are ghosts! Here’s a fun bit of trivia. Ghosts were first captured on film in our fine city of Boston by a man named William H. Mumler in 1861. Ever since then we have had conclusive proof that ghosts are indeed white. For those of you who are not familiar with Mr. Mumler’s photography, you may recall that the ghost from Scream was white, unlike the ghost from Scary Movie, who was black and therefore not a real ghost.

If you’ve ever bought an automobile, surely you’ve asked yourself, “Should I consider a van?” Before I answer that question, let’s review some more facts about vans. People who contemplate purchasing a van usually take into consideration that they tip over quite easily when making turns. This is what business people call a “necessary evil.” Auto makers insist that they really have no choice but to incorporate this flaw into the design of the vehicle when it is manufactured and merged with its soul at the assembly plant. Don’t be fooled by mathematicians who cite various equations and valencies to explain why an object such as a van would tip over…these men received their diplomas from modern Universities. Had they been schooled in the wisdom of the ancients, they might realize that all ghosts float. It seems rather silly then, to manufacture an automobile that is utterly incapable of touching the ground. Have you ever looked under all four tires of a van? You might have seen something alarming. A Thin layer of air. This quality is shared by ghosts and magnets, but not regular cars and trucks.

To return to the question “Should I consider buying a van?” the answer is "Yes," but be careful.

As a result of the digital revolution, you may have noticed an abundance of vans on the street these days featuring emblems of various internet service providers as well as a cadre of other businesses who are sustained by the demand for the World Wide Web. You might have entertained the notion late at night that the reason for this is that the internet is a ghost. This is not far from the truth. The internet is actually a network of ghosts who work together to create the energy to collect and allocate our constant stream of data. Who do you think counts the number of eggs you use every morning to make your omelet? The dog certainly doesn’t. No, this ever-flowing mass of data is collected by the dark forces of our world and stored on the internet. It follows then, that internet-related companies use vans and their ghostly powers to mend breaches in the world wide web.

Ghosts are all around us. They are part of our world. It’s not even our world, its OUR world. Vans are ghosts. When you enter a van, ask yourself, “Do I want to enter a ghost?” And if the answer is yes, you may want to think about how it would feel to be reincarnated as a ghost and then have people get in and out of you all the time. Just saying.

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